What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
