On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
