so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
