Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
