Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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