the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
