everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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