someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
