I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
