You're so nebulous sometimes
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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