i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
