"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
