So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
