Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
