Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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