Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
