everyone is single if you try hard enough
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
