U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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