She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
