Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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