There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
