Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
