I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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