dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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