So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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