ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
