I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
