I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
