...so i touched it.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
