mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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