Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
