I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
