i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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