Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
