can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
