I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
