Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I fill condoms, not promises.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
