Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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