Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
