Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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