I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
