Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
