Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
