You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
