I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
ttyl tear gas
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
