I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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