how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
