Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
