I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
My cat gives me a boner
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
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