i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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